Happy 2008

A belated Happy new year to y'all.

I haven't got much to update really, quiet Christmas, Quiet New Year, Bloody FREEZING today- Thankfully (or not) I don't have to worry about going out in it, other then to start WP's car so it's warm when he leaves for work.

On the job front, Firstly I have heard nothing from ad's I have applied to and I have only myself to blame.

STUPIDLY, I sent my resume as a word attachment thinking" Well at least people will see I can use word" Not even giving a thought to how many people are gonna be dumb enough to open an email attachment from somebody they do not know!

BUT.....

Today I got a call - OK a wrong number, I thought at first it was by some teeny chance it was a job.He was after a completely different person....
I happened to mention I thought it might have been a job call and he asked what sort of work I was looking for because he was looking for someone to help out in the office.
So we had a brief chat and he said he may have time to see me later in the week!

Of course it's only a very small lead and he is in the "UC Loop" which maybe too far and he may have been totally just saying it to get the crazy woman off the phone but who knows.. but keep your fingers crossed for me!

I thought I better....

do some sort of blog.

I haven't been around for a while, did you miss me ?

Firstly WP has spent a few days in hospital so I was at his bedside like the dutiful wife I am. He's home now (well at work at the moment) and feeling a lot better.

And so to the rant....

On his discharge notes there was a medication listed that he was to take every night. Great! No prescription, or medication for that night, just a note to get the pharmacist to call this certain DR(a cover DR) for the directions...

So the next morning I went to Walgreen's to get them to call which she did. Five O'clock I decided to call Walgreen's to ask if it was ready. No, the Dr had not bothered to call in, she suggested I call the hospital which I did.

They put me thought to the nurses station , who could not help me, firstly because they no longer had the notes and secondly that had never heard of this DR. They told me to call the DR's page number direct.

So I did.

Several minutes on hold listening to terrible music...

Finally this woman answers, I was polite, I explained the situation.

Woman" This number is for medical emergencies only"

Me" Oh, well this is the number listed on the discharge paper"

Woman snotty voice" Well DR Cannotbebothered has been on call all weekend"

(Like this is my problem how? maybe if the DR had bothered to stop and write a prescription I would not have to bother anyone)

Me (again) " This is the number on the notes and Walgreen's have already called this morning Re this matter"

Woman" The Dr will get to it"

Me (pissed off by this time) " Well Walgreen's close at 6 so its a bit late in the day now.
I hung up by this time if the woman had been in sight I would have probably grabber her by the throat and throttled her....

Day 2 without the required medication...

I go to Walgreen's again to get them to call, which they do in my presence.
(Of course its Labour day so again they are closing early)

5 o'clock and still no call from DR Cannotbebothered, of course I am not surprised in the slightest.

Tuesday: Day 3 without medication...

I call WP's regular Dr and have the medication within 3 hours.

Blasted Dr's!

******

For those of you who are interested,the stain came out of the carpet, I think because I acted fast. Firstly I mopped up the excess and then scrubbed the are with warm water and laundry detergent.


So I have done none of my X stitch, hardly any Gym(I went this morning).

I haven't heard anything from immigration, which is seriously stressing me out. I called the bank the other day to see if they had cashed the checks. No. This managed to stress me out more, to the point I am waking up with my teeth hurting from clenching my jaw in my sleep ( I do that when stressed out).

Oh joy.

Thats about it I think.

Midnight Madness & Bare ass cheek.

Last night we went to "Midnight Madness" which is to cut a long story short "St. Louis Style Outlaw Street Racing (starting tree, instant green, no scoreboards, your time only on timeslips)", or so the website says.
We got there around 9ish and stayed til about 1.30am (it finished at 3).
I had a pretty enjoyable evening, one near crash a few two wheel starts. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, having never been anywhere like this before. Ordinary Joe can go along with his ride and pay like 20$ to race.
Some of the cars were fancier, some were just regular cars, some created clouds upon clouds of smoke from wheel spins, some pulled away as though out for a Sunday drive.

I took some photo's (terrible though they are)...

No I did not try this out (and I dont know the guy on it either)

Terrible photo but its an actual mullet out in public.

Paris Hilton wannabe and her dog. Had to take this discretely hence the leg shots, yes guys there is a dog somewhere in the picture, move your eyes up...

Lots of people seemed to be drinking this...

Thankfully she stuck to water ( and a ciggie)

Now this woman, not only was she dressed as though she was heading to a night club but she gave everybody this dance, I don't think she got any $'s...

Flavor Flav lookalike handing out rubbish little coins worth a whole free burger at rally's

"spectacular smoky burnout"

S'pose I'd better show a car...

or two.

A couple of south city hoosiers that latched onto us.

Not really we went with them (I cut WP off because he is camera shy)

And Lastly

I noticed this morning I quite possibly spent the whole night looking like this*...

Oh the shame.

* It wasn't as bad as it seems, one I had a long(ish) T shirt on. Two my ass is pretty flat, I took the photo whilst bending (for effect) Lastly and most importantly the jeans were not too tight, they are a) very old and b) I possibly caught them on the seating.

Now thats my story and I'm sticking to it.

Last night.

Yesterday WP won some tickets to the St Louis Bandits ( JR Ice Hockey) V's team USA. He works til 7 and the game started at 7.30 so it was a bit of a rush we got into the city really quick but then spent around 15-20 mins trying to find somewhere to park ( The Cardinals were playing)
We finally got into the suite at around 7.55.
I was starving and his company always lay on the same old thing, Some disgusting green cheesy smelling dip with greasy toasted bread and toasted ravioli with sauce which is ok.

However this is what I saw when I arrived....

An empty platter! The F***ers had eaten the lot!

I was pissed off! There were a group consisting of 2 guys and a girl and then a group of 2 men and their wives, the men had piled high plates.
How Rude. I didn't like them from that moment on...( I wont say anything else about them here because one of them must work for the same company as WP)

At the end of the first period they ran a "Throw a paper airplane into the open sunroof of the car to win it" competition, mine was screwed up in my bag and as we were so high up in the club level access suites I didn't really think my little plane would stand a chance.

You can just make out the planes on the ice.

Of course nobody won the car but the person who got it nearest did win the pool table the car was towing.

The suites are quite nice all in all, there is always plenty of bottles water (I stole a bottle for the Gym today),Sprite and Pepsi ( Better then Coke) to help yourself too.

Not a very good picture but I didn't want the other people in the room to think I was "odd" so I took this discreetly...You can just make out the Stadium seating at the front of the box.

The suite has its own fancy(ish) bathroom, so of course I have to post that pic!

And I suppose I better post a few pics of the game too, after all thats why we were there...

St Louis won 4-3, I find it strange that they still play Gary Glitters Rock and Roll Part 2 when the home team scores, after all he is nothing put a filthy paedophile... Thats not to say I dont like the song I do but still....

For your enjoyment this song uses a sample of Rock and Roll part 2 and was a huge hit in the UK.

In 1988, a group called The Timelords released a song called "Doctorin' The Tardis" that sampled this. The song went to #1 in England and made Glitter a lot of money, which he needed for legal bills and an extravagant lifestyle. The Timelords later became The KLF, who had a hit with "3AM Eternal."

*Look out for a nice shot of one of the Whiltshire chalk horses,a red post (mail) box and some Green Green English countryside...
:)

P.S: Because we had nothing to eat this resulted in a stop to Jack in the box on the way home, thus canceling out a days Gym efforts!

It just keeps getting better....

Following on from my post yesterday about Google's themes for home pages, I have since discovered that the themes change according to the time of day or weather conditions. Today for instance my bus stop people are just there, no umbrellas or wet suits, no rain. How cool is that!

Its sad really to have nothing else in life to get excited about LOL

Well what can I tell you! I have all but finished the three designs I was working on, I have two possibles in the pipeline and WP wants a new website theme, I am thinking of a new theme for mine as well but that is way down the list.

I have nearly finished my Jilly Cooper book, I have bought another book from e-Bay this morning so I want to eek out the JC one to make it last longer. Its ok not one of her best though, a bit far fetched too, I certainly didn't behave in the way she has the teenagers behaving in her book. but then again I may have led a sheltered life, who knows what todays teens get up to ;)

On second thoughts, I was pretty bad at high school.....But I wont go into that now and tarnish my saintly image...

Other things to mention:

The new glass bottom walkway on the Grand Canyon:

Would I go on it ? No
Is it overpriced at $25 per person? yes
Other then that do I care enough about it for it to be on every news report? Not a bit.

Anna Nicole:

Enough already I don't want to hear anything else about her, her son or the who's the babies daddy

Britney Shears Spears:

So shes out of rehab, great. According to news reports she went in there because she was scared of losing her kids....Perhaps she should have thought of that before being splashed all over the press out partying and knickerless. Once is a slip up anything more is intentional....

Heather Mills on Dancing with the stars:

So they had their highest ratings ever, so they played it out by saving her til last. Alas I did not see it but from all accounts she didn't fall, didn't loose her leg and didn't tell any lies...

Randomness

So this morning I learnt something, I discovered that Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday or whatever you call it, was a celebration to do with lent!
How cool, a carnival , beads, boobs and mucho alcohol.

How do we celebrate it in the UK (and parts of Canada) ?

We make pancakes (crepes) and eat them, sometimes we flip them in the air, some people hold pancake races- basically running down the street frying pan in hand flipping said pancake as you go.

Hmmm now which looks more fun ?

I admit I used to love pancake day - For some unknown reason most British people are brought up thinking that Shrove Tuesday is the only day we are allowed to eat pancakes.
This must be the only time of year the people at Jif lemon look forward too. Jif lemons are silly plastic lemon shaped containers of lemon juice, most Brits (well me) like our pancakes (crepes) with just sugar and lemon juice. Yum Yum yum.



A couple of other things:

On the news last night there was a story about the family of a 10 year old girl who were suing their local school district & a construction company which left their daughter with a six inxh scar on her head and three metal plates.
Now thats a terrible tale don't get me wrong but when the reported read out the name of the company and then went on to mention it several times. I had to laugh,I couldn't help my self.

The name of the company : Big Boys Steel Erections.

***

Remember the Jilly Cooper book I ordered off ebay from the stupid woman who doesn't do pay pal ?
Well still no book, no check been cashed, so I send her a message asking for the status of my order.
This morning we get this back:"hello, I haven't received any payment from you. and also your husband wanted to cancel the bidding, and the only way I could stop this bidding was to let it end and then leave feedback."

• Ok so first off I asked her to withdraw the bid, because she basically could not be bothered to get off her ass and go and find out how much the shipping would be.
• Secondly, no she let the auction end and then sent a payment invoice the next day with 10 pounds shipping (around $20)
• Thirdly I emailed her to say I had sent the check (the next day)
• Lastly , she hasn't left us any feedback whatsoever!
  

I think personally she is probably going to have to pay bank charges for cashing a check in Otherwise I am sure she would have contacted us long before now ( It was sent on the 5th) if she had not heard anything.
Maybe she will in future learn her lesson & only offer items for sale to UKers.

I think I am just gonna tell her not to bother, cancel the check , the only problem now is WP's generous mood Re the book has long expired so I wont be able to get it for a long while now. Which is pissing me off because I really was looking forward to reading it.

Stupid welsh person.

Meet Tom...

...Tom is a British Millionaire who is having terrible trouble when it comes to finding a wife.
In fact he is finding the task so hard he has even gone to the trouble of placing an Ad in his local paper for a ""relationship manager". It read: "I'm offering a job position to someone with a great social circle who can go out and arrange dates for me."
he is desperate , so much so that he has now offered Clare Gillbanks - a professional matchmaker whose title is the Dating Angel 20,000 Pounds to find him a wife.

When I was 21, I planned to be married with children by 25. When that didn't happen, I set a new goal of 30. Now I'm 32, still single and can't waste any more time.

He cant figure out what is wrong with him ( dress sense maybe, reddish tinge to the hair ?)
He blows his own trumpet by going on to say:

On paper, you'd think I was the perfect eligible bachelor. I run my own photographic, dance and recording studio and have another business that does everything from web design to animation.
I don't spit in the street, I hold doors open for people, I buy flowers, beautiful lingerie - in the right sizes, too - I'm attentive, sensitive, generous and romantic.

Sadly, women just don't seem to appreciate those things the way they used to.

Who says we don't appreciate that kind of guy ? I am sure there are a whole lot of regular women who do. He has obviously been looking in the wrong places.

But he then goes onto say in the article that he finished with one girl because she was "too clingy" and told him she loved him after only two months. What! He is an idiot, of course you can love someone in two months. He then says she may have been "the one". Well its a little late now buster.

If any of you single ladies out there fancy your chances ( He doesn't mind foreign women either ) here is the link to his profile on the dating agency. Good luck. ;)

He has everything planned:

My ideal partner must want to have children - my new goal is to be married by 40 with three children called Elizabeth, Hector and the youngest to be chosen by my wife.

Now isn't that nice of him....

Full story.

Hmmmm...

Idiotic springs to mind....

For $10,000 and a brighter future for her son, Kari Smith became a real life pop-up ad for a virtual casino.

"It feels like someone is taking a pin and just stabbing you with it," Smith told her son, Brady, seated nearby on the floor as tattoo artist Don Brouse - in permanent black block letters - branded her forehead with the Web site domain GoldenPalace.com.

The 30-year-old mother, who put the space up for auction on the Web, will be promoting the multinational gambling site, which makes the claim - using a little more color and a lot more flash - to be the No. 1 online casino.

"Will it go numb?" she asked.
"It'll go as numb as your brain," Brouse replied.
"My brain is already numb," she said, laughing.

Smith's ad is a labor of love and actually a positive in her life, something she says her life hasn't been filled with lately: a failed marriage and deaths of several family members - most recently, her sister in a car crash April 18.

Smith said the money will give her son the education boost she believes he needs after falling behind in school since the accident.
"For the all the sacrifices everyone makes, this is a very small one," she said. "It's a small sacrifice to build a better future for my son."

Still, Smith said she knows most people won't understand why she's sold her forehead as advertising space.
"I really want to do this," she said. "To everyone else, it seems like a stupid thing to do. To me, $10,000 is like $1 million. I only live once, and I'm doing it for my son."

Brouse didn't understand it, either.
In his 24 years, he's turned away a lot of customers who want to get tattoos that can't be covered up with clothing. He and his staff spent nearly seven hours Wednesday trying to talk Smith out of it.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China's Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency said today.

No injuries were reported although the vehicles involved were slightly damaged, it said.

The woman, identified only be her surname, Li, said her dog "was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive," according to Xinhua.

"She thought she would let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake," the report said. "They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car."

Xinhua did not say what kind of dog or vehicles were involved but Li paid for repairs.

More PC Madness .....

I just read this and it's really pissed me off !!

The Church of England is considering rejecting England's patron saint St George on the grounds that his image is too warlike and may offend Muslims.

Clergy have started a campaign to replace George with St Alban, a Christian martyr in Roman Britain.

The scheme, to be considered by the Church's parliament, the General Synod, has met a cautious but sympathetic response from senior bishops.

But it clashes with the increasing popularity of the saint and his flag in England. The World Cup brought out millions of St George crosses as the symbol became increasingly mainstream and less frequently dismissed as a badge favoured only by far-Right political activists.

If St Alban replaced St George, the red cross on a white background would have to be replaced as England's flag by Alban's symbol, a diagonal yellow cross on a blue background that bears a strong similarity to St Andrew's cross, the flag of Scotland.

The proposal has been put forward by the Rev Philip Chester, vicar of St Matthew's, Westminster, who has called the use of St George as patron saint 'dotty'.

His call for a change is based on the lack of firm historical evidence that George - said to be a Roman general from the 4th century AD who was put to death by Emperor Diocletian for professing Christianity - ever existed.

He said: 'We are sure St Alban is a real figure. What's more, he lived in this country.'

Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams indicated support for an upgrade for Alban, although he is said to be cautious about relegation for George.

He told the Sunday Times: 'I think St Alban is irreplaceable in the history of English Christianity. Perhaps we ought to raise his profile because it's the beginning of the church in this country with martyrdom, wisdom and courage.'

The image of St George was used to foster patriotism in 1940, when King George VI inaugurated the George Cross for civilian acts of the greatest bravery. The medal bears a depiction of the saint slaying the dragon.

However, George has become unfashionable among politicians and bureaucrats. His saint's day, April 23, has no official celebration in England, and councils have banned the St George flag from their buildings and vehicles during the World Cup.

The saint became an English hero during the crusades against the Muslim armies that captured Jerusalem in the 11th century.

An apparition of George is said to have appeared to the crusader army at the Battle of Antioch in 1098.

His dragon-slaying legend is thought to have begun as an allegory of Diocletian's persecution of Christians.

Alban was martyred in 304 AD on the site of St Albans abbey in the Hertfordshire city that now bears his name.

A Roman army officer, he was said to have converted after sheltering a Christian.

Source

I know we are not patriotic like you Americans, perhaps now you can begin to understand why. We have shit like this from politicians and now the bloody church!
people are getting sick and tired of those "in the know" (or think they are) from saying "oh we can't do that we will offend etc..." "oh we can't say Christmas lights, we will have to call them Winter Lights".
This is bollocks it's getting out of hand. The English need to stand up and take back their traditions!

"Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!"

Henry V -William Shakespeare.

What not to wear....

Fuzz, this ones for you ;)

Football, weddings and the number of the beast!

Well first seems that some of the world have gotten themselves into a bit of a tizz, with today being the 6th day of the 6th month of the 6th year. I came across this news story:

Prayer vigil targets Devil's Day

Dutch evangelical Christians are to hold a round-the-clock prayer vigil to ward off the forces of evil on Tuesday - the so-called Devil's Day.

They believe that the sixth day of the sixth month of 2006 has great significance for evil-doers and Satanists who revere the number 666.

In a bid to counteract the forces of evil, more than 2,000 Dutch Christians will hold "a violent day of worship".

They will be joined by Christians in 23 other countries, organisers say.

The reference to 666 is taken from the Biblical book of Revelation, which talks about the events leading to the end of the world.

Revelation 13:18 states: "If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666."

Behind the initiative is a Dutch evangelical organisation called Ambassadors Ministries.

"On this date, Satanists will try and do many things, so we Christians try and do the opposite"
Mathijs Piet
Ambassadors Ministries

Mathijs Piet, one of the organisers, told the BBC news website that the prayer marathon was to officially start at 1800 on Monday with a prayer rally in Jerusalem.

"666 is the number of the Devil and we know that on this date, Satanists will try and do many things, so we Christians try and do the opposite," Mr Piet said.

"We know the Devil hates it when we worship God."

Organisers expect at least 2,000 Dutch evangelicals to take part in the mass prayer vigil across the Netherlands.

They are not the only ones to note the significance of the date.


The fear of the number 666 is known as hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia.
Source

Ever the ones to cash in though Vegas are doing specially themed Goth" weddings for those of us who like the "darker" things in life.













Then onto something that I am sure Americans couldn't care less about but I can guarantee that it will have overtaken 90% of rest of the modern world. Yes world Cup Fever

Seems there are a few rows goin on in old Blighty, firstly over the flying of St Georges flag. Some people are taking offence that its not the Union flag being flown, well "England" football supporters are going to fly the flag of St George not the United Kingdom, IE Scotland , Ireland and Wales.

In England we are not patriotic, its not like here where you see the nations flag flying proudly in peoples yards, on their cars etc. The only time we English are patriotic is when either Footy or the Rugby world cups are on and then you cant walk down a street without seeing at least one flag flying. Any other time the flag of St George is flown we are told we are racist and that god forbid we may upset some Muslim or Welshman.

Town councils are banning its cab drivers from flying (or wearing anything with it on) the flag. The Uk's number one food chain banned its delivery drivers from flying the flag ( but was later forced to backtrack and apologise). Neighbours falling out saying that the flying of the flag is lowering property prices!
Seems in England its seen as a "working class" trait. Something the nicer side of town don't want to partake in.

One quote I read summed it up well

" At last we are overcoming post-Empire guilt. The English can stop apologising. We want our national identity back."

But no it gets worse, a BBC memo intercepted by the press states that "Radio 1 (BBCS top Radio station) has banned World Cup songs that mention England - in case they upset Welsh, Scots or Irish listeners".
A Radio 1 source said: "We have been told songs that contain the word England repeatedly can't be put on the playlist because we don't want to upset anyone who isn't English. It's ridiculous."

What Bollocks. Don't get me wrong I am not a football fan, but there is something that sort of "sweeps" the nation around world cup time that you want to be part of, you cant help it. so were I there now you could bet that I would rush out and buy me a St Georges flag and fly it with pride, and a big "Up Yours" to those who frown down upon it. ;)

Caption Needed...

Ben won the last one, well he didn't win anything he just got the kudos.

This week...


I liked Big Pissy's Caption Best :Yay for Pissy. =)

"The groom quickly regreted telling his mother "beach attire" was acceptable to wear to the wedding....."

*****

Congrats to Fuzzbox for the most correct answers to the clipart bands, With the phoenix a close second.
Answers to the clip- art Quiz.

1. Wham
2. Culture Club
3. Eurythmics
4.Bananarama~ yes they do look manly.
5. David Bowie
6.Duran Duran~ John Taylors hairstyle should have given it away ;)
7. Rolling stones
8.Destinys child
9. Christina Aguilera
10.Robert Smith (The Cure)
11. Blink 182

a Siobhan Fahey(Bananarama) Married Dave Stewart (Eurythmics)
b1 Mick Jagger & David Bowie dueted on Dancing in the Street

B2Mick Jagger slept with David Bowie
Bowie's wife Angela DID find them asleep in bed together. And they were naked. But whether or not "anything" sexual happened has been both claimed and denied at various times by Angela herself.

There's a long, long series of versions of this Urban Legend Here

c Andrew Ridgeley(Wham) girlfriend is Keren Woodward ( Bananarama.)

Automotive Madness.

ACTUAL STATEMENTS FROM INSURANCE CLAIMS

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.


"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way"

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

and finally my favourite :

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

***

For Sale : One Careful (and clueless owner)

A Cinderella Story...

Cinderella was 75 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in
her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat, Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three more
wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped
off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear. "Oh, thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young,
and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted.
Cinderella felt feelings inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what shall you
have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I
wish you would turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change, and there before them stood a
young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she
had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in
his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath.......

"I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

Not for the faint hearted....

Upon my web travels I happened upon a discussion about "sex accidents" people have had the misfortune to suffer.
Some of them are so funny that I had to share them.

*Note none of them are based upon personal experience...

The Question :

"I know we've all had them. Those moments that happen when we're flushed with passion. Those moments we wish we could take back. Farting during sex. Forgetting you had your boyfriend tied up and leaving him in the room while you talk on the phone for hours. I told my little story already about my birthday night when my friend forgot to bring the keys for the handcuffs and I was stuck for close to 2 hours while he drove to get them. Just thought I'd see if anyone else had something to share."

How could you just "forget " that you have a guy tied up in the bedroom LOL

"In the midst of some fierce thrusting, I accidentally pulled out, and on the next thrust I hit solid bed and damn near snapped my d**k in half. I cried. The end."

Ouch!

"I once spread peanut butter on an ex-boyfriends balls, and his dog got a hold of him. He was walking carefully for weeks. It was cruel, but I dumped him afterwards, cuz I wasn't sure he could ever have children."

Why ?

"I was returning from a concert of some friends of mine that had just gotten their big break and played a pretty prestigious music hall in the city (San Francisco) and my Girlfriend at the time was pretty young and had a curfew time that was long past when we finally got out of the show. So I am zooming across the Bay Bridge to get back to the east bay, and she realized she was going straight home, so she decides to help me out of my pants and ease my tension while I drive... Well it failed to ease my tension and instead it managed to tripple it, as I heard the sound of metal to metal and snapped out of it enough to realize i had just made contact with the Frost-ing bridge. I hit a shoulder or curb first and that let the air out of two tires, and one hard-on real fast. Funny part was there was a huge tow truck on the scene before I even had my pants back up I think, and he told me that he was able to see in through my sunroof a ways back, and decided to follow, as he felt I might be soon needing his assistance.
I thought someone was gonna have my ass that night for sure, but the old tow truck driver worked for Cal-Trans, and when the Highway Patrol rolled up, they knew I was drunk, and were ready to take me away, when the tow truck driver took them to the side and I guess explained what he saw, cause I saw a bunch of them laughing, and stepping back and looking at me, and then her, etc...
Not sure what he said, but they came back, and uncuffed me, and allowed me to ride with the tow truck driver and my GF to the other side of the bridge, where I thanked him endlessly"

"he told me that he was able to see in through my sunroof a ways back, and decided to follow, as he felt I might be soon needing his assistance." LOL

"Mrs. W. had a bed with a cast-iron frame in the apartment she lived in before we got married. So one night we were romping in that bed, and decided to flip from the male superior position to the female superior position. Instead of rolling side to side, I picked her up by the hips and flipped us over backwards (it was a narrow bed, you see). So with her weight now on top of me, I fall back onto the bed and whack the back of my head against the cast iron footboard.

There was no bleeding and the concussion was fairly mild.

A couple of weeks later we were hitting it doggy style and her hands must have slipped because she fell forward and hit the same place with the top of her head. She got a nice lump there, but didn't lose consciousness.

We wear hockey helmets to bed now."

"My parents were freshly married when one day my dad was laying on the couch watching tv... naked. My mom was acting the part of Susie Homemaker, cleaning and vacuuming. As she neared the couch with the vacuum, she thought she'd have a little fun with my dad, so she took the attachment off the hose. Next thing she knew, she heard something like "schluuurp" as my dad's member was sucked into the vacuum. She only tugged a few times before realizing it'd be better to turn off the vacuum, *then* pull."

Could have been really nasty if it was a Dyson which never looses its suction....

"Ok fine. There was this one time where my b/f dared me to do my worst with the cat-o-nine tails.

I did what he asked, broke all nine tails on his ass and left him with welts. He knew better next time."

This is my favorite, that will teach him Heh...

The questioners response:

"Silly fools, actually posting your stories. Thanks, I've got my masturbation material for the next month now. I love free porn writings."

"masturbation material"? Where did I miss something ?

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Anyway I will leave you with this ad for the new Phillips body shaver for men. Perfect for trimming the *cough* more delicate male areas...